Reflections of Loss

I remember my beautiful girlfriend at some stranger’s house; they had a small lake in their back yard with a huge diving platform way up in the air. It was so high that when I kissed her, the fireworks from Independence Day were reaching their apex all around us. There was so much wonder, so much in her eyes, her lips, the pyrotechnics, the reflection in the water. The world was brand new, and I am crying right now thinking about it. At that very moment I knew I was meant to marry her. That kiss, that love, it was, and is so powerful.

Our son was conceived on Halloween, and the same night we moved into the house I bought for her. We made love in our new room, in our new home and future. I remember staring into her eyes by candlelight, and having the feeling of our whole lives awaiting us, and the pure love that I felt for my fiancé. Our son was conceived in pure love. I could feel it in the air like electricity, and heavy like the scent of roses. There was literally magic in the air.

5 months later (yes I said 5, never underestimate the power of denial) we found out that she was pregnant, we were both scared, surprised, and crying, even though the night before I was so excited I couldn’t sleep. I remember we were sitting in her Jeep Compass after the sonogram, and she mentioned that we could go and have an abortion. I said no, that this is meant to happen, and I naively said something about how we must assume our responsibilities. We got married, got another Newfoundland, and four months later Jabe was born. 

When they cut him out he started screaming, then they cleaned him up, swaddled him, and put him in my arms. Just two minutes before there was a silence, and then suddenly the air was filled with the cries of this little person who looked just like me.

All of the intense love that I felt for my wife failed in comparison to the love and connection that I felt for Jabe. It is simply ineffable.

6 months ago I discovered her infidelity, and it has completely destroyed me. Many, many times I wish that I had never met her. That when she asked me out for that coffee I simply blew her off, and went back to my 19 year-old girlfriend with her 19 year-old body.

But these moments, aligned by the constellations, gravity, and quantum mechanics, all lead to the creation of my son. All of my love and the loss of it lead to my son, because if I had approached her with only half of my heart, she probably would not have had our son, and my life would have no purpose. It’s all a grand scheme; I’m just not big enough to understand it.